Strong, Secure, and Selective: A Single Mom’s Approach to Dating

I know being a single mom can feel like walking a tightrope. There's the constant balancing act between raising children, maintaining your own well-being, and finding time to consider a relationship. We juggle so many roles—mother, provider, protector—and often don’t get the appreciation we deserve. Many of us have been there, trying to juggle it all; feeling the weight of the world. And dating as a single mom can feel like another full-time job on top of everything else. But the reality is, you deserve love, partnership, and connection, just like anyone else.

The path to dating is different for every single mom. Some are ready for companionship, some are focused on their children and their own well-being, and others might be unsure where they stand. Wherever you are, it’s okay. This journey isn’t about fitting into a mold; it’s about recognizing what you truly need and being true to your desires. Wherever you are on your journey, I want to share some thoughts that is helping me navigate the dating world and, more importantly, helping me grow and start becoming the person I desire to be and to attract.

Many men are often under pressure to be the sole providers and protectors in a world that makes it difficult to be. It’s important to recognize that for some men, dating a single mom can feel like an additional responsibility, or a liability; especially if they’re already balancing their own obligations with their households or their own children. At the same time, there are men who truly see the potential for growth in a relationship with someone who is open to building something together.

I’m not saying single moms are liabilities—far from it. We are incredibly strong and capable of managing our households and raising children with love and wisdom. But there are certain emotional or practical areas where we might need to focus on more for our own growth. Healing from past wounds and building a solid foundation within; and doesn't need to be about being perfect, but rather about becoming the best version of ourselves for our children and potential partners.

In my opinion, single parenting has been systematically created as a barrier for women and many fall prey to the system. Government assistance 'programming' in many cases, has become like a “husband” in these households. While it is important for women to use these resources, when necessary, they should be steppingstones, not crutches.

Wait, let me make one thing clear: I am not aspiring to be a "pick-me" The term "pick-me girl" is often used to describe a woman who desperately seeks male validation by positioning herself as better than other women. Some will read this and immediately jump to that conclusion. That’s not my goal. As I'm writing this, I know some folks—men and women—might give me the side-eye for this, but I’m not here to sugarcoat anything or placate to anybody. This is not about just flipping the script it's about rewriting it and helping single moms take control of their own stories. We’re raising the next generation—the ones who will look out for us when we’re older—and it’s time to break these tired, generational cycles. These narratives that paint single moms as broke busted women who are raising "menaces to society." please that narrative doesn't even deserve a seat at the table.

I’ve spent years working on myself—healing from past trauma, becoming emotionally stable, and finding my own strength. It hasn’t been easy, but it’s been necessary. However, I’m not perfect, and I don’t expect anyone to be, but I’ve realized that for me, being in a healthy relationship means I need to bring my whole self to the table and not just scraps from past traumas and disappointments.

It all starts with some real self-reflection and taking a look at yourself in the mirror. For the mamas raising sons, ask yourself some powerful questions like, "Would I date me? Why or why not?" and "Would I want my son to date someone like me? Why or why not?" Take a good look at the list of qualities you expect in a partner and then turn that energy inward. Are you living up to those same standards? It’s about holding yourself accountable and becoming the kind of person, you’d want in your son’s life or your own.

Truth of the matter is that many of us have been through painful relationships or situation-ships that have shaped how we approach dating. It's time to acknowledge those experiences, learn from them, and make sure we're entering a new chapter with clarity. Sometimes, healing means we need to pause and take time for ourselves before jumping back into dating. I talk about that in my book; Wait on Purpose: The Healing Power of Abstinence:

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Here’s the thing: it’s not about being perfect, but about being prepared. You don’t have to have everything together before you start dating, but it helps to have a foundation that gives you the freedom to enjoy the process without unnecessary pressure. This foundation looks different for everyone, but it might include things like emotional stability, financial awareness, and personal growth

Emotional Stability – Healing from past traumas and developing emotional intelligence is crucial for a healthy partnership.

Financial Awareness – Having a handle on your finances, even if you're not where you want to be, shows responsibility and self-sufficiency.

While financial independence is empowering, I also understand the financial pressures that many single moms face. It's not about pretending you have it all together; it's about recognizing where you are and seeking ways to improve. Financial independence doesn’t mean you have to be wealthy, just that you have a handle on your situation and are working toward better.

Clear Vision and Goals – Knowing what you want in life allows a man to see how he can align with and support your journey.

Healthy Household Environment – Creating a stable, loving, and structured home benefits not only you but also your children and your future relationship.

As single mothers, we are not just women looking for love; we are raising future men, fathers and husbands. What kind of woman would we want our sons to date? Would we want them to be with a woman who places all the pressure of provision on them, even for children that are not biologically theirs? Or would we want them to build with a woman who has already established her queendom, her table, and her foundation, or at least working towards it so that when he comes into her life, he adds to her empire rather than rescuing her from instability?

I’m fully aware that there are some men who enjoy rescuing women, and there’s nothing wrong with that, I love that for them and the women who want that too. But I’ve found that it’s important to be realistic about your expectations and still have your own even in situations where the man is okay with taking on all burdens. Dating should never be about seeking someone to rescue you, whether financially or emotionally. It’s about building a life together, not relying on someone else to make you whole. Being emotionally and financially independent is empowering and sets the stage for a healthy partnership; where both people bring something to the table, not just a one-sided effort. At the same time, I can understand and respect men who see themselves as cultivators. A man knows he may never meet a woman who has it all together or who is perfect for him, but he does know what he can cultivate within her. Some men take this into deep consideration when choosing a partner. It’s not always about finding a woman who has everything perfectly in place but about finding a woman who is open to growth, partnership, and building something greater together.

Captain Save a hoe!

What Single Moms Should Know About Themselves Before Dating:

I believe it’s important for single moms to reflect on a few key questions before entering the dating world. Ask yourself: Am I truly ready for a relationship? What are my core values? What are my non-negotiables? It’s not about being perfect, but about being honest with yourself about where you are, what you need, and what you’re willing to offer in return

1. Your Readiness for a Relationship

- Are you emotionally available for dating, or are you still healing from past wounds?

- What are your true motivations for dating—companionship, validation, love, or something else?

2. Your Non-Negotiables and Boundaries

- What are your core values and standards for a potential partner?

- What behaviors, habits, or lifestyle choices are deal-breakers for you?

3. Your Expectations in a Partner and Relationship

- Do you desire something casual, serious, or long-term?

- What level of involvement do you expect from a partner in your and your child’s life?

4. Your Identity Outside of Motherhood

- Who are you outside of being a mom?

- What passions, interests, and dreams do you have that make you feel whole?

5. Your Emotional and Physical Needs

- How do you want to be loved and treated in a relationship?

- What makes you feel valued and appreciated in a partnership?

6. Your Time and Availability

- How much time can you realistically dedicate to dating without neglecting your child, work, and self-care?

- Are you able to balance dating with your responsibilities without feeling overwhelmed?

7. Your Financial Independence and Stability

- Are you dating from a place of security, or are you seeking financial support from a partner?

- Can you sustain yourself and your child without relying on a relationship?

What Single Moms Should Know About the Dating Scene:

Dating is an exploration, and it’s important not to rush the process. Don’t let anyone pressure you into a relationship that doesn’t align with your values. In a world that often promotes "the more, the merrier" and having countless options, remember that not every woman wants or needs that. Soul ties are real, and intentional dating matters. Trust your instincts—if something doesn’t feel right, take a step back and reassess. You deserve a relationship where you feel supported, not one that leaves you feeling drained or uncertain. Here are a few reminders about dating and trusting your intuition, whether a long-term relationship is the goal or not.

Your Child’s Well-Being Comes First

Never let your desire for love override your child’s safety and emotional stability.

Ensure that anyone you date understands and respects your role as a mother.

Modern Dating is Different

Online dating, social media, and casual relationships are more common now—are you comfortable navigating them?

Be prepared to set firm boundaries and communicate your intentions early on.

Not Everyone is Honest About Their Intentions

Some people may not be upfront about what they want—take your time to observe actions over words.

Don’t assume exclusivity; have open conversations about commitment.

Red Flags to Watch For

Inconsistency in communication and effort.

Love-bombing (excessive affection too soon).

Lack of respect for your time, boundaries, or role as a mother.

Trust your intuition and discernment

Take your own uber or black truck to the date - you don't always have to drive your car

Bring your own money

Don't go to his home or don't invite him back to your home until enough time and trust has been established

The Importance of Pacing Yourself

Don’t rush into a relationship—let things unfold naturally.

Take the time to see if the person is a good match before integrating them into your life.

The Need for a Support System

Have trusted friends or family members who can give you honest advice about a potential partner.

Ensure you have childcare arrangements in place for date nights.

Don’t Be Delusional

Just because he gives you attention does not mean he sees you as his future. Some men keep you around until someone better comes along, then discard you. Don't be a placeholder

If he says there’s nothing between you, believe him. Insecure, low-value men play games like pretending to be disinterested or "playing hard to get." There's nothing to change about his decision. Don’t play along—take his words at face value; leave and keep your dignity.

Dating Can Be Fun and Empowering

Enjoy the process without pressure—dating should add to your life, not complicate it.

Use dating as an opportunity to learn about yourself, grow, and connect with others in a meaningful way.

It's natural to feel guilty about wanting to date as a parent, but remember—you deserve a healthy, fulfilling love and companionship. You don’t have to settle just to feel "datable" or "chosen." While things may not have worked out with your child's biological father, it's okay to take time for yourself, heal, and open yourself up to new relationships when you're ready. Just always keep in mind that your child's well-being remains the top priority.

Not everyone is the same. While there’s plenty of discussion about what men expect or what women should do in relationships, the truth is that each person brings their own values, experiences, and desires to the table. The focus should be on finding someone who aligns with your vision and values—not forcing a connection based on societal expectations. This isn’t a one-size-fits-all journey, so let go of external pressures and define love on your own terms.

On the other hand, more and more women are realizing that singlehood can be less stressful and more fulfilling than being in a relationship—honor your truth. But for those who desire a connection, focus on becoming the person you want to attract. Build a solid foundation for the one who is brave and worthy enough to enter your life and help create a kingdom with you and your children. They'll understand that they must come correct or not 'cum' at all.