Building Bridges instead of Walls: Cultivating Healthy Relationships

Have you ever tried to communicate with someone behind a brick wall? How challenging and sometimes frustrating it would be in an attempt to form a bond and build a connection with a person who has built emotional or social walls. These metaphoric walls are typically created subconsciously due to past wounds and disappointments as a way to shield themselves from potential further harm.

Emotional and social walls can manifest as an individual protecting their emotions, vulnerabilities, and fears, by creating distance from others because of trust issues or a fear of rejection. These defense mechanisms hinder others from truly understanding them and getting to know them. In fact, walls are an unhealthy response to a need to create healthy boundaries.

Bridges, on the other hand are powerful symbols of connectivity, helping individuals to engage with others and share experiences, ideas, and diverse perspectives that foster personal growth. Social and emotional bridges facilitate mutual learning and understanding, while walls only lead to disconnection and misunderstandings.

If you find yourself distant and guarded with others or have very shallow and surface level connections, you are among millions of people, who have built walls as a way of protection.

People often erect emotional walls as a result of feeling abandoned or rejected, typically in their youth or during times in their life where they really needed others but no one was there at the capacity needed or asked for. Early experiences of abandonment or rejection can contribute to developing co-dependency in adulthood, often with individuals who are not beneficial for them. This co-dependency can lead to unhealthy relationships characterized by various forms of abuse, including physical, emotional, and psychological. Such relationships often lack fundamental elements like respect, regard, healthy boundaries, honesty, trust and loyalty, resulting in emotional trauma and distress. Without proper healing, individuals may resort to building emotional and social defenses to shield themselves, leading to guarded and distant interactions within relationships.

When you build walls as a result of feelings of abandonment and rejection, you tend to attract four types of individuals. The first type are the climbers because they attempt to climb the wall you've built. As you add more bricks and layers due to mistrust, they continue to climb with the goal of getting to the other side closest to you. However, as these individuals climb higher, they eventually, realize that a fall would hurt them more than you and eventually climb back down. These people come in and out of your life, hoping the wall has come down or at least become easier to climb over. They are willing to make an effort but not at the risk of getting hurt from a potential fall.

The second group of individuals or acquaintances are those who may make an effort to establish a connection despite the wall. However, over time, this can become exhausting and complicated, leading them to either withdraw or engage with you superficially through the wall. This is where most of your surface-level relationships reside, which are common among those who have built emotional walls. Even with numerous surface level connections, feelings of loneliness may still persist. These relationships can feel artificial and forced because true understanding and connectedness cannot be achieved through a barrier such as an emotional or social wall. Communication is limited to what is shared, without delving into deeper aspects of each other due to lack of rapport, trust and emotional connection.

The breakers are the third type of people who try to break down the wall only to discover once they break down one wall, there is another wall. There is a difference between those who ‘climb’ the wall and those who ‘breakthrough’ the wall. There are usually moments of breakthroughs and vulnerabilities in these connections but it usually don't lead to deeper high minded connections. The breakers become frustrated and resentful towards you, because they are putting in so much work and you are not reciprocating or opening up. They end up giving more than receiving and this may lead to animosity or an unhealthy, toxic dynamic in the relationship. If effective communication is not present, such individuals often resort to seeking any form of emotion or attention from you, even if it is negative.

The last type are the cultivators. They wait patiently behind the wall, and lovingly break down one or two bricks, to get a glimpse of you behind the wall. They might not see all of you, but that’s ok, because they see a little of you. They understand trauma and respect your healing process without judging or causing more trauma. They plant seeds of time and effort, consistency, transparency, vulnerability, honesty, compassion, reciprocity, authenticity and love. These seeds grow as vines against the wall until eventually, you start to break down your own walls for them. However, if you're not fully healed from abandonment and rejection trauma, you might unintentionally jeopardize or sabotage this bond by holding high unrealistic expectations. When these standards aren't met or a minor issue arises, you may swiftly close off or end the connection.

In reality these people are rare and far in between so if they patiently wait to build trust and rapport with you, it’s worth a level of forgiveness and grace towards them as they navigate understanding your needs in this relationship and vice versa. As we grow spiritually and increase our self-awareness, we often sense when someone is not being genuine and authentic with us. This discernment comes from a journey of healing, maturity and awareness and helps us to know the difference between truth and trauma. Don't allow your trauma to distort the truth.

Additionally, there is another category of individuals you may attract when you have closed off due to trauma, grief, etc. These individuals do not genuinely aim to form a healthy or loving connection with you. They are the manipulators. Their intention is to dismantle your defenses in order to manipulate, control, and cause further harm. Operating with deceit, they watch, monitor, study you to discover your weaknesses. These individuals know you have figured them out and they are usually offended of the boundaries you have put in place. Lacking true knowledge about you leads them to fabricate false stories to give the impression that they are privy to what lies beyond the barriers you put up for them, but also as a way to make others feel the same disdain, they have for you. These untrustworthy individuals will reveal themselves through how they make you feel after every interaction with them. Your nervous system will disregulate everytime you interact. They may fake their true colors in the beginning but the mask will eventually fall off. I mention this group to caution you against assuming everyone has pure motives, as some do not. Exercise discernment and distance yourself from them as soon as possible. You'll know who the manipulators are.

A common misconception about people who are guarded due to past hurt, and trauma is arrogance, detachment or that they lack empathy or compassion. The truth is these people are some of the most loving and sensitive people who are working through grief that desires connection while working through forgiveness that caused a need for protection. Emotional and social walls is what happens when you value protection over connection. Perhaps they need more cultivators in their lives who will plant seeds of honesty, regard, authenticity, love, hope, trust, and the other components that make up the DNA of healthy and high-minded relationships.

It's possible that you were hurt by those you trusted and had to put up walls to protect yourself because you didn't know how to establish healthy boundaries or communicate that hurt or offense. However, in doing so, did it also burn all bridges for others to cross? We thrive on connections; it's how we're designed. Lack of meaningful relationships can hinder progress, particularly for single parents. When relationships lack depth and you feel unsupported, it can lead to relational poverty. Relational poverty is being poor in community and lacking a trusting support system. This can leave you feeling overwhelmed as if you have to navigate life's challenges alone.

First and foremost, learn to be your own best friend, cultivate yourself by planting seeds of love, peace and joy in your own heart, then learn how to create healthy boundaries while planting those same seeds in others. Let go of unrealistic expectations you often place on others. Usually, people disappoint you because you have created expectations, they didn’t know they were being held to. Have expectations but don't make people jump through hoops or scale the wall of China to meet them. Many people are dealing with trauma just like you and may also need cultivators in their lives. Don't make others suffer the consequences for other people's actions.

This season, it's time to break down the walls you have created to survive and protect and build bridges so you can begin to thrive and connect. Using discernment and wisdom on who should go and who you should let stay. You deserve it. Trust the process!

Excerpt from book titled Step Up to the Plate of L.I.F.E. (Living in Full Excellence).