Several years ago, I requested that my sons, sisters, and closest friends take the Love Language Quiz. My intention was to gain insight into how they received love so that I could demonstrate my affection in ways that were most meaningful to them. This gesture was an expression of my commitment to building stronger and more authentic relationships with those closest to me.
The concept of Love Languages, introduced by Gary Chapman in his 1992 book, offers insight into five distinct ways that romantic partners express and receive love. When I discovered this book, I was single, and I felt a calling from God to cultivate deeper connections with those closest to me during my season of singleness. My loved ones were receptive to this idea, and it was a delightful experience to learn about how they received and experienced love, especially my sons. It was gratifying to demonstrate love to them in a way that resonated with their particular love language. While this concept extends beyond romantic relationships, it is an excellent starting point. Often, we expect others to love us in the way we prefer to receive love, leading to resentment, anger, and conflict when our expectations are not met. However, most people show love to others in a manner they would like to receive it. By taking the time to understand what makes others feel appreciated, affirmed, and loved, we can prevent unnecessary conflict in our interpersonal relationships, which frequently arise due to miscommunication, assumptions, and unrealistic expectations.
During this current phase of my life, I have been introspecting deeply, contemplating my attributes, motivations, and the types of people and experiences I attract. This self-examination has allowed me to scrutinize my negative thoughts and limiting beliefs and understand their origins. These beliefs have been the root of my insecurities, fear, and feeling of stagnancy, leading me nowhere. Simultaneously, this period of reflection has enabled me to practice self-care and self-love more profoundly. I discovered that my approach to self-care aligned with my love language, and this realization has been transformative. By exploring my love language, I found other methods to practice self-love, which has been an incredibly fulfilling experience. Gary Chapman, in his book on love languages, outlines five languages: receiving gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service (devotion), and physical touch. Understanding which language resonates with you may help you discover ways to show up for yourself more effectively.
Acts of Service
The expression of love through actions is a powerful way to convey affection. The adage "actions speak louder than words" rings true for individuals who appreciate this love language. When faced with heavy responsibilities, having someone offer to ease the burden by saying "let me do that for you" is particularly heartwarming. For those who value this love language, acts such as cleaning the house, doing groceries, and laundry are gestures that demonstrate appreciation and love. However, it's essential that these actions are carried out willingly and with positive intent instead of out of obligation or with a negative undertone. Behaviors such as laziness, broken commitments, and making more work for someone may convey a message that their feelings don't matter. When others serve out of love (and not obligation), it's a clear indication of feeling valued and loved.
Quality Time
When it comes to expressing affection, this love language highlights the significance of complete and undivided attention. Individuals who prioritize this love language place great value on being present in the moment with their loved ones, without any interruptions or distractions such as smartphones, TVs, or social media. Such undivided attention is vital and makes them feel cherished and appreciated. If quality time is your primary love language, you prefer being the center of attention during shared moments, relishing uninterrupted conversations, activities, and experiences. Such moments strengthen the bonds of your relationships, and you cherish the deep connections that you form through shared time.
Words of Affirmation
If your love language centers around words of affirmation, then you appreciate expressions of love that uplift and elevate others. Although actions can speak volumes, it's not always enough, and heartfelt compliments, whether solicited or not, hold immense value to you. When someone speaks the words "I love you" and shares the reasons behind their love, it brings joy to your heart. Words carry great significance for you, and negative comments or insults may linger and require time to forgive. Your spirit is nourished by hearing kind and motivational words that inspire and uplift you, and you also enjoy reciprocating these gestures by offering words of encouragement and compliments to others.
Receiving Gifts
It's essential not to confuse the love language of receiving gifts with materialism or Acts of Service, which focus on assisting and aiding others. If you possess this love language, then thoughtful and meaningful gifts bring you a sense of joy and fulfillment. On the other hand, forgetting important dates or offering an inconsiderate present can cause significant emotional distress. Additionally, you might express your affection by giving to others, be it through time, energy, or thoughtful gifts. To those who resonate with this love language, gifts are a sincere and heartfelt representation of someone's love and care for you.
Physical Touch
Individuals whose primary love language is Physical Touch may not necessarily be inclined towards excessive physical contact. However, they appreciate the emotional significance of thoughtful touches, such as hugs, pats on the back, and gentle caresses on the arm and face, which serve as a means of expressing excitement, concern, care, and love. Physical presence and accessibility are paramount to individuals with this love language, while neglect or mistreatment can be immensely detrimental. Although public displays of affection may not be their top priority, holding hands, kissing, and hugging foster a sense of intimacy and connection. Appropriate and timely physical touch conveys feelings of warmth, safety, and love to individuals with this love language.
Discover your love language and those closest to you here.
Having identified your love language based on the insights of Gary Chapman, how might you incorporate these languages into your self-care and self-love routine? It's worth noting that regardless of your predominant love language, all of the activities associated with each language can contribute to your overall well-being.
Words of Affirmation: Think Self-Love by speaking life and gratitude over yourself
Practice daily affirmations; posting them anywhere you will see them daily as reminders
Recite mantras that encourage self-love and compassion
Prayer
Journal and write down your strengths, things you are grateful for, things you love about yourself, things you have accomplished, and your goals and aspirations.
Write down quotes and scriptures that inspire you and make you feel good.
Speak your ideas and desires into existence
Give yourself positive pep talks
Receiving Gifts: Absorb Self-Love by treating yourself with things that spark inspiration and joy.
Buying nice and thoughtful things for yourself (within your means)
Investing in your hobbies and things you love and that bring good energy
Invest in Education that will enhance your skills to bring more value to yourself
Gift yourself with knowledge such as books
Travel
Gift yourself with a bucket list and make time to complete them
Physical Touch: Feel Self-Love by honoring yourself and doing things that make you feel good
Massages
Manicures
Pedicures
Facials
Yoga and exercise
Hot essential baths with Epsom salt or hot showers to release stress
Acts of Service: Do Self-Love by engaging in things that bring peace and clarity in your wellbeing
Ask others for help; you can't do it all by yourself
Regular physical, dental and mental health check-ups
Groom yourself and take pride in your appearance
Make your home your oasis; Create an organized, clean and aesthetically pleasing home environment
Clear out the clutter
Prepare healthy meals for yourself
Quality Time: Be Present with Self-Love with uninterrupted alone time that nourishes your wellbeing
Reading
Practice mindfulness such as meditation and deep breathing
Time alone for introspection
Plenty of rest and exercise
Discovering your bandwidth and boundaries from others as to not overcommit, over-book yourself or spread yourself thin among others
Spending time in nature
Engaging in things you enjoy
Taking yourself out on dates
Self-care and self-love are vital components of overall wellness that are often oversimplified and misunderstood. They are holistic practices that involve intentionally and consistently nurturing and nourishing oneself, akin to being the best possible caregiver to our inner child. By maintaining optimal wellness through self-love and self-care, we can experience a higher quality of life. It's essential to prioritize these practices to become our best selves. I encourage you to practice self-love more frequently and consciously.