When I mention that I've been practicing abstinence for the past three years, I often receive curious glances and inquiries. Some people even feel the need to check if I have a fever and ask if I require a thermometer.
I find myself frequently having to remind others that I'm doing well during this current season of being single. I believe it's crucial to take the time to reflect on what areas of your life require healing and growth before entering into a relationship. By doing so, you'll have a more profound sense of self-awareness and purpose. It's essential to remember that you cannot expect something from someone else that you don't possess within yourself.
The realization that my failed relationships and the blame I placed on others were the catalysts for my abstinence. I comprehended that change could only happen if I transformed myself, which would enable me to attract different people. I discovered the importance of self-love and respect, which led me on a journey of self-discovery. During this time, I fasted, prayed, served others, and achieved my goals while building my foundation on authentic self-love. This process taught me that I was one of God's best ideas, and that my story and purpose mattered. I learned the significance of nurturing one seed before planting another and avoiding overburdening myself with too many tasks, which could lead to burnout. Additionally, I learned the importance of faith, patience, consistency, and discipline. Above all, I accepted that everything I went through was meant to occur for my highest good, and that I had unconsciously created most of it, which meant I could consciously create something better.
The path towards personal growth can be difficult, and it's been no different in my case. Confronting feelings of shame and embarrassment has brought to the surface emotions I didn't realize I had. This season, I've had to confront issues that have impacted my relationships, mental and emotional health, and finances, some of which have their roots in childhood or past traumas. Accepting the truth and being conscious of how these experiences have affected me as an adult was a groundbreaking realization. Forgiveness was a key factor in my journey and has helped me gain a sense of freedom. While I cannot change the past, being aware of its impact has been a significant step towards healing and growth.
I began to explore the idea of dating myself, enjoying solo activities such as going to movies, dining, and spending quiet moments alone. This allowed me to exercise my discernment, enabling me to reject suitors I would have previously entertained. As a result, my self-esteem improved, and I gained clarity about my aspirations and how to achieve them. While it's normal to feel lonely at times, seeing other couples in public or on social media can trigger these emotions. However, it's important to understand that everyone has a unique journey, much like waiting for a meal at a restaurant. You may observe others being served, but you must trust that God has a special order for you that requires time and patience. Once it arrives, it will be worth the wait, seasoned and cooked to perfection!
The notion of being single is often considered an unfavorable or negative circumstance. However, depending on how one navigates this phase of life, it can prove to be remarkably empowering and advantageous.
During this period of being single, there are several areas you can focus on to learn and develop. These include raising your energetic vibrations to attract like-minded individuals, healing, and determining your desires and what you don't want in a relationship. Additionally, you can work on becoming more financially responsible and managing your household effectively, as well as serving and giving back to others. By overcoming these challenges, you'll strengthen your spirit of discernment and elevate your standards.
You need not wait for someone to rescue you or wallow in self-pity, questioning why you're still single or what's amiss with you. Instead, take charge of your life and use this season to construct a solid foundation for yourself. As a parent, this foundation will benefit your children too. The journey towards becoming a fulfilled individual commences with self-development. Often, we believe that our worth and completeness hinge on external validation. However, this couldn't be further from the truth. It's the validation we give ourselves that's of utmost importance.
There are numerous methods to optimize and make the most of your time being single. Remember, preparing for the one who is worth your time and effort is a worthy endeavor.
Learn to love yourself and enjoy your solitude.
Realizing that only you and God can fill the void in your life will lead you to appreciate the value of your time and energy. You will learn not to waste them seeking external sources to feel whole and complete. Loving yourself first will prevent you from seeking validation and affirmation from a man. It's crucial to remember that your worth is not determined by whether you have found the "right" man or not. Being single does not make you inadequate or incomplete. Finding delight in yourself is the first step towards realizing that God delights in you. Learning to be content during this season of your life plays a critical role in building trust in God, boosting your confidence, and eliminating insecurities that could choke the roots of a relationship before it grows.Developing the spirit of discernment during this season is essential. You will gain the confidence to say "no" to men who don't match your frequency, standards, and energy instead of settling out of desperation. You don't need to jump in and out of relationships to prove that you are dateable; this is a time to discover what you like and dislike, identify your deal-breakers, and learn from past relationships. Take this time to heal and care for yourself, as it will set the tone for how others treat you. It's an opportunity to engage in self-reflection and self-development and enhance your overall well-being.
Live your life:
It's important not to put off travel or business opportunities, as well as purchasing things like a home, car, or diamonds. Don't wait for a partner to arrive before pursuing these things. Instead, focus on being a responsible steward of your finances. Take advantage of this time to become a homeowner or business owner, and treat yourself and your loved ones to luxurious gifts. This is an opportune time to develop your skills and talents. You may even consider going back to school to obtain a degree or certification. Investing in yourself will ultimately benefit both you and those you serve. Once you enter a relationship, your priorities will inevitably shift, so it's important to take advantage of your time being single to selfishly pursue your passions and dreams. When you do meet your partner, they can complement who you already are.
Serve and give back to others:
The current climate presents an excellent opportunity to serve others and make a positive impact. There are numerous ways to help, including serving the homeless, advocating for victims of domestic violence, mentoring children, assisting the elderly, promoting financial literacy, teaching cooking skills, and offering support in areas of health and wellness and education. By utilizing your unique talents and abilities, you can serve others and inspire them to overcome their own challenges. The beauty of serving others is that everyone benefits; you and the recipient both come out as winners. It's a humbling experience that can enhance your self-esteem and help you understand your place in the world. Regardless of the resources you have, your contribution, no matter how big or small, can make a significant difference.
Build relationships with others:
This period presents an excellent opportunity to foster meaningful connections and establish strong bonds with people within your social circle. These individuals include, but are not limited to, your children, siblings, parents, mentors, coaches, co-workers, neighbors, church family, business associates, as well as those you serve and those who serve you. Building these relationships is essential for preparing yourself for future marriages and deeper connections with your partner. It's crucial to note that strained and suffering relationships may indicate the need for developing skills in communication, forgiveness, and generosity before entering into a marriage. Forgiveness, communication, and generosity are critical components of any robust relationship, and cultivating them with those around you will help shape you into a person worthy of a lasting and fulfilling partnership.
Get closer to God:
The period of being single is a time to nurture your faith, allocate more time for God, and be open to introspection that can lead to personal growth and transformation. The effort you put into improving yourself is rewarded with a partner who is worthy of you. This phase of your life is essential in shaping you into the person you are meant to be, and this will attract someone who is worthy of your love and companionship. Your strong foundation will discourage those who are not ready to meet you at your level. Instead, the one who is destined to be with you will recognize your worth and step up to their rightful place beside you. So, wear your crown with pride and embrace your season of singleness.
Leftovers: Compose a letter to your future spouse and locate it in a place that you could revisit whenever you encounter feelings of discontentment with your current season of singleness.
Food for the Soul: (Listen to the Lyrics)
Prepared by Jill Scott; Rise by Solange; Mirror by Lalah Hathaway; Golden by Jill Scott; New Attitude by Patti Labelle; Golden Time of Day by Frankie Beverly and Maze; It's My Time by Kelly Price; Say Yes by Shekinah Glory Ministry; It's Working by William Murphy; Optimistic by Sounds of Blackness; I Want Back by Kierra Sheard; The Miseducation of Lauryn Hill by Lauryn Hill; I'm Getting Ready by Tasha Cobbs and Nicki Minaj
